After receiving a number of (friendly) criticisms on my unnecessary self-awareness, I sought for help. I borrowed a book from the library on this subject. I skimmed it in one hour and found most of the text dry, boring and rather academic (read useless), except for one chapter on self-control, another favorite subject of mine precisely because I have problems with it. There is a notion called “ego depletion”, whose essense is that you just have that much of psychological power to force yourself to do things that are
right but unpleasant, and although this power is replenishable usually on a daily basis, its depletion simply means you are out of power on yourself, like it or not.
Honestly this would not be the first time I saw this phrase, however a systematic examination of the subject was still informative and enlightening. I promptly linked this to my lack of motivation to study after I completed a long run that was beyond my comfort zone (for example, I slacked off for almost two days after I ran from U of C to the river on Wednesday under the scorching sun, something I never did before). The will power was used up as I forcing myself to keep running. It is then not surprising that excessive self-training on will power would always backfire, in the same fashion that you only get injuries if you overtrain your muscles. To rest your nerves and be easy with yourself when you have to, is as important as to push yourself when needed.
Do NOT waste on your will power - spend them economically. Additionally, just as you do not get your iron pecs and abs overnight, you will not get your formidable will power in short term. Everything should follow a schedule. A firm success should override any self-pride. When your reserve is low, try ways that require less consciousness involvement, such as staying away from the pleasure stimuli, which I in the past would always resist doing, because I regarded it as an acknowledgement of lack of self-control, which hurts my ego. For instance, I would deliberately put a shortcut to my favorite game on the desktop when I was trying to stop playing it. Sounds silly isn't it. That was the way I perceived it. As the book points out, pride often leads us the wrong way.
Lastly: focusing on such matters once again reveals my excessive interest in “self”. Hopefully it is not restricted to “myself” this time.